i'm alive. in another planet.

this is only a thought..
boorish-sometime, but who cares?

miss me?
just don't. cause i don't miss u.
wakakakakakakaka.

here goes another piece of me.
talkpleasetalkplastic!
my new blog. enjoi. muahs.

i'm off, great sunday to say goodbye.

this is only a thought..
boorish-sometime, but who cares?

great sunday. and it is today.
after jotting down my feelings and pieces of me in this blog for about 2 years more, i really want to thank you all for the appreciation toward my blog no matter how silly the writings here. and the greatest thanks goes to all parts of this universe, all my friends, my surroundings, and my important things in life that helped me to have words to be written. you are all just so amazing.

i used to say that i would leave this blog. but then that months back, i was not really sure. now? i am about to leave. too much pain and i need some adjustment in my life. something had successfully changed my important part in myself, and i am about to learn more and deal with life. depressed, sorrow, happiness, love, all there all together. i want to catch my next goals after i lost some of them in the past. life must goes on, aite? please don't ask me what had happened with me lately. i am so much simply being corrected and ready to have another new step in life. yeah, everything must be over in this 19 of mine. tough days, tough minds. shit happened during my psychological transition. and to those who are here around my transition, i really thank you guys. mainly to hera, jeen, and vincent, as three beautiful person in this world beside my family that i trust and fall in love with. hera been here and there for 15 years of friendship, she gained quality and quantity from me. jeen and vincent, even i've been out with them for about months back, but quality speaks more than quantity.

i won't change. all i need is just an adjustment. complexity feeling of appreciation and affection. i need to move out from my own solitude. i need to warm my own heart since none wants to that over me. God's here and there and everywhere. so i know that i'll be just fine. no matter how bitter i am now. but then this is life. u may see i am happy and just a normal 19 years old girl, but i am not that happy-go-girl as u see in me. after all, nevermind. don't think about me much. i am cold and irritating :)

okay, time to let go now. i'm officially off from this blog.
i will find another place to go, to keep writing about me and you and the magnificent world we have. i'm so sorry if you found out your name or your bad story in my last archieves. haha. i was too honest in writing, as u can see. you can still check my another writings and artwork at:
http://www.myschizzo.livejournal.com
http://www.shootanemo.deviantart.com

to quote billy corgan's writing in his blog:
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU WHEN YOU LOVE ME
I LOVE YOU WHEN YOU HATE ME
I LOVE YOU WHEN YOU THINK I'M THE GREATEST THING EVER
I LOVE YOU WHEN YOU FEEL I HAVE LET YOU DOWN
I LOVE YOU BECAUSE I KNOW WHO YOU REALLY ARE...
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU.

i'm off to nowhere. nowhere u can find. nowhere of blues and greens and purples. i don't wanna cry by leaving this space. haha *hiperbolic*. last testament of mine: i feel u. i really do. just because i can't love you in the way you want and think, doesn't mean that i can't love you with all that i could. and i know that it is too late to catch. ciao, everyone. please let me have a small space in your little pocket of relation. have a double grande day in your life! we all deserve a better future.


with warm regards, ebee.

dead-off

this is only a thought..
boorish-sometime, but who cares?

here some part *which i like the most* of my last writing, a complete piece of the prologue. just feel free to check it out.


...and the thing is,
it feels not-that-good when you actually can not do anything toward the one you love. like, you love him in a way, trully, you know this is not only stupid crush you have. he knows it. and both of you knows it. it is somehow works both ways. both of you know that there is something in between. you revealed it once. he admitted it once. he was holding your hand when he was feeling down, and you was holding him back when you were thinking that you would be there for him. he was crying when he hugged you last time. you were crying also when you felt like you hurt him so much.
you know that he is somehow different, and you dont mind. you love him, and last time you checked yourself, you meant it. simply nice things been happened in between, there are lots of messages that being kept, a lot of words that such an admittance toward the feeling itself.

but it all goes like never-happened when you back in the real world and see how yourself can not do any single thing toward him.

you better be quiet. you better step off of his days. you create simple conversation. you create nothing so not a thing to be remembered. you write some lines, and keep it yourself. you watch his moves, see the changes, and try to recall what you both have been through lately.

by the time he's near, you try to forget what actually have been happened. and then you realize that you only can be such a statue and get amazed everytime you see his eyes...


day today:
i'm sick again. my body drop off. because of tired maybe, but my friend told me it could be because of my 'ultimate-abnormal' sleeping hours. no man, sinusitis kills me here. can't even breathe. double nosebleeds. i'm not fine, even i say that i'm fine. i want to say thanks to someone who sent me messages this morning, i didn't mean to make you worry. i was not suppose to tell you that, so you can enjoy ur day. so have a good day ahead, dear.

currently been listening to elevator beat by nancy wilson and thinking deeply to land my body somewhere else. and i just realized, this feeling i have toward you makes me laugh and cry in the same time. just so, cheese.

morning glory.

this is only a thought..
boorish-sometime, but who cares?

ebee 


teruslah bernyanyi, temani aku pagi ini.
jangan biarkan aku merasa sunyi, biarkan nadamu ada bersamaku,
menjamah setiap rasa yang ada untukmu.
teruslah bernyanyi, temani aku pagi ini.
hadirlah disini membagi bahagia yang kau punya.
jadikanlah hari ini, hari dimana kau melengkapi sebagian diri ini.
temanilah aku selagi bisa kau temani aku.
teruslah bernyanyi dan bunuhlah segala hampa,
karena aku hanya mau ada kau yang tersisa.

good day, everyone. morning glory has come.
that private concert this morning on balcony sounds great as a lullaby.

best ice cream of the day: busking robbins, everyone?

this is only a thought..
boorish-sometime, but who cares?

hollar. the first thing above all that i really want to mention here is all about the wrong perception that happened to me (for so many times actually, but nevermind since i'm kool) about the term: busking. what the hell? i used to think that night my mates asked me to play guitar in Baskin Robbins. the other thing was, i missed one exhibition again, just because i thought it will be held on thursday, which in fact it will be held on tuesday. again, what the hell? i missed Kienkit's performance (as i wrote before) just because i was damn-totally-sure that the show would be held at 8 pm and not an afternoon show. damn, what the hell? who told me that?? something must be wrong with me. now i really have to admit that i'm blur.

(hopefully it is not because i am the big fan of the band: BLUR. if so, i'd love to kick damon albarn's ass to make my days simply unclear and get foggy here and there *beside the other reason is you kicked my lovely graham coxon out of band!* but love is love, fans are just fans. who care about it anywae, and i'll just gently keep listening to ur track, man. seriously O________o)

here i'll go with the busking robbin's day story.
"COUNT THE CENTS. WHERE CENT COUNTS"
so there were four of us, after celebrating Kienkit's bidday (in advance!!!), went to Bukit Bintang. finally found a spot, which was not really good spot in my view, since it was too noisy so people could not hear my friends played the guitar over. but overall okay, got some people sat around us. Kienkit and Vincent played some good songs before, until got some dunno-what-to-call-them-hmm-did-they-kind-of-punk-or-skinhead-people ask them politely to play My Chemical Romance's track. wakakakak. wanna laugh like hell. it din mean that i din appreciate their music, but my preferences made me think silly about that. so sorry. but it is so not cool for me, boys. peace. hehe. we met a girl named Lisa, who is one of the street-horn pipes player if i'm not mistaken. and yea she gave me her number and we are obviously planned to meet again this saturday, since she will be performed somewhere in Bukit Bintang. hmm. just wondering whether i could make it or not. hopefully yeah. the other man that we met is i-dunno-his-name-but-all-i-remember-is-his-hair-covered-up-his-face. he admitted himself as a musician, and yeah he wasn't bad at playing guitar at all. haha. it was awesome when he played 'is this love' by the jamaican legend Bob Marley, i was recalling back the moment i used to listen to it day and night. haha. damn like the song actually, not him obviously. haha. anywae here goes some pics taken that night. i was quite sleepy but camera made me awake! see, passion is controlling u easily.

[busking time: the chronicle] 


here goes two people who are gonna be a star... (if 'soon' sounds so damn optimistic, just change it into 'someday' so it sounds more well-planned ^_^)
vincenzo 

kienkit 


that's all about the day. anywae Jeen si kodok went back to Taiping already. here i am just all alone, huhu. my housemates were not at home though. and now i feel like Indonesia actually not that close, man. hiks. been waiting for the briefing project as a freelancer, and been waiting to him to pay the time. i've been enjoying my solitude too much and keep on writing this holiday. it feels so good. yeah i hate holiday but when it comes to my writing time, i think holiday is the best time in my life. anyhoo, gonna catch you all later. oh ya, last thing, special ramble goes to my friend Krisna: just tell me what happened to u, as u see i'm here, okie?

ciao everyone. muahs.

THE REAL BASKIN ROBBINS' FACT:
"Count the Flavors. Where flavor counts." Burt and Irv also believed that people should be able to sample flavors until they found one they wanted to buy -- hence the iconic pink spoon.

.sunrise in my heart.

sunrise at genting 


as if the sun will rises and things are not forgiven yet,
i will gladly curse myself by having this feeling toward you my savior.
i curse every feeling i have,
for every single thing that i am about to face in prior.
as if the sun will sets and this sin just be sin,
i will throw you away out of my mind, out of my empire.
like now i touch you and cry, talk to you and lie,
beat you up and die, punch u back and fly,
those are the things i will do without any power.
be in love and be loved in return,
such a remedy and fucking dream just to be burned.
you are there out of my sight,
completely change all the views i used to see.
every me is your breathe, savior.
and by now i just can take it no more.

(only a small stupid piece of my feeling toward u. the day everything started to change. and now just thinking of continue my blogging...)

...so hello, everyone. i just checked back my photo-collection and found this one. the sunrise which was taken at Genting Highland two weeks back. maybe i am emotically weirdo of having this kind of feeling, but i can tell u that i still able to feel the same feeling when i took it at the first place. melancholic me, i know. dunno why lately i've been feeling my melancholy to the max, somehow i think it is because my-writing-time has come (since holiday-here-i-am). but actually i do realize that something happenede and make me feel it more. or even over. but i enjoy it well, at the same max. this is always become thing that i can't easily fathom. yeah. about feeling, man. something you can't see but you know its existance. magical.

i might be a bit upset since something not-that-bad-but-make-me-feel-bad happened after the Genting's trip. and i don't want to talk about it anymore. but now, i do feel alright. yeah, i used to have my sad days continously after the trip, had to face my grandmother's passed away. i went back to Indonesia to attend the funeral. God, i was totally sad that time. but maybe i was too good to cover it all. yeah, death is a thing we'll deal with one day, rite? besides, i know that everyone be damn realistic about it and yeah i wasn't supposed to be that sad.

now here i am, here again in my boredom-wonderful-solitude and enjoy my holiday. man, seriously i hate holiday. i can't thinking a lot. haha. somehow i miss my assignments. i've been worrying lots of things actually. i have list to do this holiday but have no concern to do it. maybe i'm not in my right mood. one important thing above all, i just want to manage my sleeping time again. this morning got my mon scold at me about it, and i was realize how shite this trouble sleeping on me.

holiday's resolution: take TOEFL test within these 2 weeks (or mom will scold me like hell again). apply for part-time job. do photo-hunting. settle the payment for electric and internet bills. clean the house. watch footie along the way. go somewhere, travelling nowhere. walk around the city and speak to God. two-ways monologue as usual. manage the portfolio. prepare myself to fall in love. shit. what the heck? oh ya, i finally got SAJAMA CUT's "The Osaka Journals" last time i went back home. it may sounds not-really-good to some other people, since this indie band is having diff kind of music. but for me, since the lyrics and words are superb, the music sounds just... GREAT. my fave track must be goes to 'alibi' and 'fallen japanese', but the other tracks also nice.

oh ya, anywae i missed Kienkidt's performance on KLPAC. just because i was so stupid and blur about the time. regret it so much. anywae, last thing, i just want to tell u, that i feel the butterfly is there in my stomache whenever i read the messages or remember the way u treat me. how yah, it was damn funny lovely thing if i may say. fever is here with me, man. u better know it. well, i think i gotta go now. write to you guys later. have a good day anyone.

(can't stop wondering why kienkit, low foo hoe, and choong li jeen are ABLE TO SLEEP A LOT IN A DAY???????????? i am the only one who awake now! die!)

last piece.

this is only a thought..
boorish-sometime, but who cares?

school is over. holiday is here-we-go. lights are off. sounds are mute. mood is the thing. pen is near. notebook is in the corner of my eye. time to write. write more. more than ever. write about how shit happened. write about me and you. music is on. guitar is ready to be played. let's sing a song. song that i need you. someone ask me to be more extrovert. i said i'll do. but i did lie. they asked me once, twice, and i know i'll be more quite. thanks for asking. that question seriously shit. don't judge and try to control. cause if u do, i won't do any back toward u. so u just doing useless thing. let's respect. fine. and hope holiday burst us out of this situation. what a day. what a happy-sad day.

holiday resolution with no light here and there. i keep on linger. it is linger. out here out there. i thought i have chance to save the trees with reduce using my paper since i know u. action, greenpeace thing which now try to kill me. but then u said there will be no more talk. and since it was my mistake, silly mistake which u urself took it as a mistake, i'll crawl away for good. u came so sudden, changed some prior minds of mine, then said that i was wrong in some parts, leave it as u want to just leave it like that. and thanks. u are somewhat beautiful person i've ever met. it hurts but i took it cool as a gift. best gift this june.

lights are off. remember the nice tunes of one of the libertines song, music when the light's go out.... some of radiohead songs also here in my mind. wanna go out form the crowd. wanna enjoy my solitude. as if elliot smith played his good to go, i remember every part of what had happened. when is the best time to go? get over it, get over them which so-called friend? shit happened lately. and i've been down. now that i know i've lost some things, now that i realize i've lost one of my fingers. complete not complete. good no good. smile for nothing. numb. my sinusitis medicine helped a lot. antibiotics are finished. and mom called me to go home soon. i'm in the middle feel uncomfortable. what should i do, oh holiday?

i'll ask God what to do. and after that actually still want to talk to u.
communication? thanks to the cardigans, i'll do disconnect.
leave me oh ya just leave me like that. friends are not true. trust is just a thing without meaning. tell me about it, tell me about it since i know nothing about it.
as been told, strangers are never be fair. hurting u and hurted in return.

i hope ur songs still covering my holiday. oh ya, gladly to watch World Cup 2006 and ready to hail Netherland and England. freak off, as u told me. oh ya, i'm gonna miss my close friend damn much this holiday. let's get separated. even a while, i feel it good. time to erase all good memories. charge ourselves first. yeah that memories just try to feed us pain. but don't forget that the sunrise was somehow cool, wasn't it?

so happy holiday, everyone.
see u around next semester. cheers, and i mean it.
hey to "U", thanks to change everything.




ebee.